Run

I've heard the prodigal son story from the angle of the sinful child: he represents the human realizing that he has lived in error and returns to God, the father.  I've also heard it from the perspective of the older son:  the seasoned Christian who is angered that someone else who had failed so badly is so quickly and easily forgiven.

It's not until recently that I thought of it from the perspective of the father.  I had a hard time relating to that role because I thought that was reserved for God; his forgiveness is the only one that can possibly be compared to the level of that in the story.

But for whatever reason, lately I am overwhelmed by the image of the prodigal trudging home and the father running to meet him.

He doesn't stand waiting at the house, knowing the son would arrive eventually.  He doesn't catch a glimpse of his son and then go and wait, fuming, for the kid to arrive home so he could give him a lecture.  He doesn't sneak out the back, or order his servants to tell the kid that his father "isn't at home."

At the first glimpse of the prodigal son, he runs.  The child lost to sin and needing forgiveness - the one he could rightfully choose to be angry with - he is only overjoyed to see.  The son who is acknowledging folly, whose every weary foot scuffle whispers "sorry...sorry...sorry..." on the dusty ground.

I can't tell you how many times when my husband has apologized to me that I've raced across our living room, vaulting over the back of the couch in that much of a rush to forgive him and reconcile.  I mean, literally, I can't, because it's never happened.  And I'll bet its a funny image for us to think of in terms of our relationships in every day life.

But imagine the restoration we could bring about, the life and love we could bring, if when someone asks for our forgiveness

we don't hesitate.
we don't lecture.
we don't hold out for our bruised emotions to wear off.
for the other person to "realize" what they've done.
or maybe
(if we're honest)
to punish them a little by withholding our affection and acceptance for a while.

What if instead we actually erase the past when someone admits a trespass against us?  What if we are swift to release blame and celebrate reconciliation?  What if the instant we see them returning to us, we meet them at a run?

"...[W]hile he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.  The son said to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you...." But the father said... "[T]his son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." So they began to celebrate." - (Luke 15:20-24)

The 31 Project

Age doesn't scare me. Okay, the number doesn't scare me.  What does keep me awake at night is the thought that I'm not where I want to be at this point in my life.  I "should" be somewhere else (by what standard I am measuring this, I'm not sure).

Realistically, though, I do want to create some new habits for myself.  The older I get the more I realize that deliberateness serves me much better than just "letting things happen" (mostly because then they don't happen).  So I've started a project for myself this year.  I'm super creative, so in my head I call it The 31 Project because I'm 31 years old - mind blowing, I know.  You wish you had the genius I do...admit it.

The project is this:  I've chosen three things that I want to become regular habits in my life.  To motivate myself, I have put a visual reminder of them in my apartment, three color-coded glass containers with 31 identical small items in each; tiny decorative balls bought at Christmas Tree Shops - cause I love a bargain (you're totally singing the song in your head, aren't you...).  A fourth jar eagerly awaits my success, to be filled with these items one by one as I do the related thing.  My goal is to do each of the three things 31 times before I turn 32.

Now, that may seem easy;  "I will make by bed 31 times this year!"  But the trick is choosing something that is at the same time a challenge, achievable, and hopefully that will turn into a regular habit.  When I was first deciding, I entertained the idea of making one of them reading 31 books this year (then I came back to sanity - thats a book about every week and a half).  So instead I've made my three a little easier, so I don't bum myself out and lose motivation.  Number one is sending a friend a card or letter (red jar).  Number two is to write a blog post (green jar).

Moving a small item from one container to another may seem like a silly gimmick to try and get someone moving in the right direction.  Some people may think that if you can't do it without such a tiny reward, then you won't do it at all.  But sometimes all it takes is a small hook to be the thing to push you over the edge towards good habits.  I like the visual reminder to do it, to see what I've accomplished and how far I have left to go.

So here's to my first step in The 31 Project, a blog that gets one green drop of accomplishment moved from "who-I-wish-to-be" to "I'm-on-my-way."

  

Odds

I like having good odds.  I like being able to stack the deck.   I am a woman who wants a plan.  I want a back-up plan.  I want a back-up plan for the back-up plan (all preferably written down on a checklist somewhere).

If I just work a littler harder my odds in life will be really good.

There's human irony in the fact that the more we "need" things to work in our favor, often the less they do:

• Looking for a job - and having 50 other people apply for the same position (some with double or triple the experience).
• Just barely making it financially - when a car dies and needs to be replaced.
• Trying to build a more stable ministry - and having a dozen transitions and issues arise at the same time.  
• Almost having a handle on tricky family dynamics - when health issues or life changes throw a monkey wrench in the plan.
• Getting amped up to start living a more healthy life - and an illness makes it barely possible to move around.  

There have been many moments in the past few years where I threw my hands up and thought "Really, Lord?  One more thing?  You have GOT to be kidding me....seriously, something's got to give...".  Just when I was certain we could not function with one more challenge, along one came.

The odds were not in our favor.

But God loves bad odds.  Otherwise, why would we ever think that the success we have is from Him?  We are much more likely to see human explanations before holy ones.

Just like Gideon, God looks at us (who really are weak), calls us "mighty warrior" (ok, isn't that in itself pretty incredible) and then tells us to send away most of our army.  And then we see what happens and make no mistake that it is His work (and that we had pretty much nothing to do with it).

Not to say that we don't need to try and plan and be responsible ("let's quit our jobs and just pray for God to drop food on us from heaven!").  But now when things are stacking up against me, as I get nervous, I also start to get excited.  Because the circumstances are being primed to be in the perfect place for God to do what He does best - something AMAZING.

God is bigger than my resume.

He's a better safety net than my savings account.

And for sure He's got enough muscle to move any wrench in the works.

I'll take those odds.

Shifting Shadows

It's 2 am and I really should be sleeping, but my mind won't stop.

Through the past few months it feels like nothing much has changed...but then also, oddly, like there is a lot going on.

There have been a series of disappointments that we've faced.  We keep trying to pursue different avenues of ministry and employment but to no avail.

But the one thought that God continues to press into my mind is that when we cannot trust what He's doing - or rather, we don't want to - we should focus on who He is.  And trust that.

I do not know what God is doing.  For whatever reason - my blindness, or His choice to keep His movements a mystery to us for the time being - I cannot see.  A lot of days, it looks like He is doing nothing.

But I know Him.  And if I trust who He is, then I know that is not true.  He is not inactive.  I have seen Him work in my life in the past, and the God who did those things has not changed.  He is not as fickle as we are, those who seem to shift under every new influence.

"God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind.  Does he speak and then not act?  Does he promise and not fulfill?"  - Numbers 23:19

Hamster Wheel

I don't sleep well.  I lay down and no matter how tired I am, as soon as my head hits the pillow a million things start spinning through my mind.  Even if I was just falling asleep on the couch in front of the tv and I actually get up and drag myself to bed the hamster wheel begins....it's frustrating.

Especially since my husband (whom I love, don't get me wrong), literally passes out the moment he's under the covers.

As you can imagine, this does not grant me a sense of peace.  If you've been around for any amount of time, you know that the WORST time to think about what's going on in life is when you're tired.  Of course, that's all the evil hamster makes you think about - not licorice and confetti raining from the sky.  No, it's all the life issues that stress you out.  Talk about NO PEACE.

It makes me think of the time that Jesus and the disciples were in the boat on the water and a storm came up.  Crashing waves, lightning, thunder, wind...terror....and the leader of the group was sleeping.  SLEEPING (my first reaction is, of course, jealousy...I wish I could sleep through that!  I am a very light sleeper *sigh*).

The disciples freaked out.  They were upset that Jesus was ignoring what was going on around them. They felt (even in his presence) abandoned.  How ironic that even in God's ever-presence, we can feel abandoned.

But the real kicker for me is that Jesus wasn't ignoring the trouble, he just was facing it with peace.  The disciples thought they needed something that they didn't (a calm sea).  God will always provide what we need (Philippians 4:19), so it's not a question of Jesus avoiding the issue.

If we really follow the lead of our teacher, he is showing us to be calm and peaceful in the face of a storm.  He is showing us that he is with us, and that sometimes the storm must rage for a while before he steps in so that we can know the glory of his immediately powerful word.

Peace Under Authority

It doesn't at all surprise me that last week - a week when I was anxious about an upcoming event - my Bible study homework was about peace.

You can't have peace by trying to have peace; it has to come as a result of a relationship with Christ.  And with once sentence my study was challenging me to take the whole idea deeper:

"Peace doesn't come with the answer; peace comes with authority."  

She went on to say that we do not so often have a knowledge problem (if we only knew what was going on, then we'd be at peace!) as an obedience problem (bam!). And just like that she pinned me to the wall.

Could this feeling of peace be brought about by a sheer force of will action such as obedience?  Usually NOT knowing what's going on produces ultimate panic and frantic prayers that God would just show me or tell me what to do.  Maybe giving up this need to know, to figure out releases us from the responsibility for directing our lives (and possibly screwing up).  Isn't it when we have a leader we trust that we feel relief?

"But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.  For He Himself is our peace, who has made both one, and has broken down the middle wall of separation.... 

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.  And He is the head of the body, the church;  He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything He might have the supremacy."

(Ephesians 2:13 & 14 NKJV; Colossians 1:17 & 18 NIV)

White-Knuckle Clutch

I'm kind of an all or nothing person.  Black and white.  It is or it isn't.  I really like to know what's going on - the WHOLE picture - and once I have something, I'm not letting go.  "You can pry it out of my cold, dead fingers" type of not letting go.

I used to think this was a sign of commitment.  I'm dedicated, I'm sold-out, I am never giving up.  Really I think it just means I'm stubborn.  That I hate change (even the good changes).

I heard a speaker once talk about how it's hard for God to pour out blessings into a closed fist.  *OUCH*  The tighter we white-knuckle clutch, the less we are open for his amazing plans.

Boy, is it hard, though, to hold plans in an open hand.  What if we drop them?  We're not securing them, they could fall right off!  But I guess plans were never ours to secure in the first place.

So I'm attempting to hold ideas of future plans with an open hand.  Attempting.  We'll see what happens...

Jeremiah 29

What's the most popular "I'm-freaking-out-about-my-future" comfort verse?  Probably Jeremiah 29:11, right?

But my favorite is a little further.  Jeremiah 29:14 promises the best thing that I've ever read:

"I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

We're not guaranteed cool careers, leadership positions, money, physical health, strong families, or other things that we sure would like to be promised.  But we are 100% guaranteed that if we search for God with our whole heart, we will find Him.

SHABLAM!  Fan-tastic.

Along the way we find other things that He puts in our path for us to find.  Practical things about our lives, how to connect and communicate with other people, and all sorts of excellent truths about faith and ministry.

Many things in life may still elude us.  But if our heart wants it, God will be found.  I don't know about you, but I'm on the search.